My five-year old daughter once asked me a question to which my answer was “I don’t know”. Her response was “But Mum, I thought you knew everything”.
The conversation set me thinking. It made me realize that she believed in me, she elevated my person, my thoughts were important to her and in all of her five-year old mind, it seemed impossible that I could not know the answer to any question. In the flash of a moment, I saw possibilities and in that same moment, I saw limitations. I saw the possibility of passing across to her important lessons which her fertile mind would absorb immediately because of her unwavering trust in me. Whatever I tell her is taken hook, line and sinker, and forms the basis for other thoughts, questions and contemplations in the future. At the same time, I saw limitations – the fact that I may not know the answers to some important questions which could come from any sphere of life. Maybe it would be a “life-or-death’ question that would stop me in my tracks and leave me fumbling for answers. What would I do at such a time? How could I live up to her expectation of knowing everything?
Thinking about this made me understand the reason why many parents and adults concoct strange answers for their ever so inquisitive little minds. All kinds of answers from the absolutely ridiculous, to the outright lies and the more subtle “little white lies” that parents come up with when confronted by the difficult quizzes from trusting, wide-eyed innocents looking up at them for answers. At these moments, we cannot disappoint them; we must say something to live up to their expectations without exceeding boundaries. These are the thoughts that go through our minds in a flash. Let’s take a look at a story from scriptures.
God had delivered on His promise to Abraham to give him an heir, Isaac and now God required of Abraham to go and sacrifice the boy. This was no doubt a very difficult situation. Who do you tell that you are going to use your own child as an offering sacrifice? It is obvious from the context that Abraham does not explain the situation to those going with him. We do not know from the context how old the boy is but Abraham calls him a lad so it is safe to assume that Isaac is still quite young. As they proceed, the smart kid (much like very many of those we have today) asks his father a well-thought-out question “Where is the animal for the sacrifice?” I think there were a myriad of answers that Abraham could have given:
“Don’t question your father, boy, I know what I’m doing.”
“Just trust your father and follow me.”
“God asked me to use you for the sacrifice.” (No doubt the boy would have run away at this point)
But the old man simply answered wisely in the conviction of his heart “The Lord Himself will provide the lamb for sacrifice” (paraphrase). The truth was that he saw in his mind the possibility that the boy could die because Hebrews 11:17-19 tells us that Abraham believed that God was able to raise Isaac from the dead if he died. Of course, he did not say this to the boy but rather answered him in wisdom and simplicity with conviction. This is an example for us as parents and adults. We cannot possibly know the answer to every question that children ask but here are some guidelines in responding to them:
- NEVER tell children a lie. You may not tell children the whole truth because it may be difficult or counterproductive at the moment, but whatever you tell them must be part of the truth.
- ALWAYS give them answers that nudge them in the direction of scriptural standards. Our values of adults are a product of many “insignificant” and “significant” rules or standards we have learnt over time. We must therefore seize every opportunity to nudge our children in the way we want them to think and act.
- REALIZE that children at different ages and stages of life require different answers. We cannot give to a five-year old the same answer that we would give to an eight-year old. We can however build on previous discussions with a child on a subject to enlighten them more as they grow. Linking this with the first guideline, we can see that if we had told untruths before, we would be confusing the child, but if we had told part of the truth, we simply open up a bit more of this truth until the child can fully understand the whole truth about a matter.
- NEVER brush aside any question by a child. If we do this, they will seek answers elsewhere and may find wrong answers. Also, this may close up the lines of communication and make it more uncomfortable for them to ask other questions.
- ALWAYS be real with children. Don’t be afraid to show your human side to children. There is nothing wrong with saying “I don’t know” or admitting that we are or could have been wrong. As we do so, we teach children to be humble and to take responsibility for their errors. If we cannot admit our own shortcomings, this is exactly the kind of person we build them up to be.
In conclusion, this whole matter drives home the need for us to understand parenting as a 24-hour, 7-day-a-week job. It is part of our lives. Deuteronomy 11:19 commanded the Israelites, with reference to the law – “ You shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” This suggests both active and passive teaching, at times set aside for Bible study with them, and also at other times, in play, through stories, when watching television, etc; Always using every opportunity to teach them the values of scripture. The answers we give to our children and any other children around us are building their own understanding of life issues, and while we must promote their ability to think independently, they look up to us for guidance and boundaries for their thinking. Remember, they are God’s possession put in our care and for whom we are accountable to Him. We must help them to develop values that are based on His will and pleasure.